How to find the silver linings in troubling times

Dealing with the heartache, fear and anger of divorce can leave you feeling that it won’t be over until you feel all better...and that you’ll never feel all better so all is doomed.

But it doesn’t have to be that way.

My coaching focuses on a ‘productive’ mindset vs ‘positive’ mindset.

During my divorce coaching sessions, I share simple, productive tools to contribute to forward momentum, such as

simple mantras
small perspective shifts
healthy habit development.

Because forward momentum results in healing.

Instead of sinking into a negative emotion, consider starting new habit of noticing and acknowledging the silver linings of the path you’re on.

How you ask?

Start by asking yourself this simple question as often as possible during each day, “What is good about this?”

(this being a specific situation, issue, or life in general).

Here are some examples:

What is good about being the only adult in my home?

For some it could be as simple as you get to pick where furniture goes, the fragrance of your home, when the curtains are open or closed, etc.

Human nature is to focus on what upsets us, but you can train your mind to help you see what’s good or ‘possible’ in the situation instead.

Silver linings don’t have to erase the challenges, but noticing and acknowledging them helps shift to a more productive perspective.

As an example, financial concerns can be complicated.

What is good about my financial future?

For me, the unknowns were overwhelming so I struggled to find a way to soothe my concerns. Instead of banging my head against the wall I decided to embrace the not-knowing and developed a mantra so I could stop spinning and said, "my kids and my next paycheck is all that I need to get through this."

This helped me stop myself from getting too attached to the ups and downs of the financial negotiations.

What’s good about the trauma my kids are going through?

“Nothing” was what that came to mind most often but then I’d let myself take a broader view (widened my camera lens if you will) . No, I did not want my children to be in this tense situation but as long as we’re here, the good thing is that we’re here together.

They’ll learn more about themselves earlier in life than most kids and that will serve them well.

And they will see my example so I have an opportunity here to be someone they can be proud of. This made me feel stronger.

Without these challenges my kids might have sailed through adolescence oblivious to the struggle around them. Experiencing these situations has made them more empathetic as adults.

Hard as it is to believe, there are even silver linings in heartache too.

Heartache offers the opportunity to explore what hurts and why. It helps us see those things that are and are not connected with the other person.

For example, if you are devastated by the loss of loss of your one true love, dig under that phrase and ask,

What about that relationship do I miss?
What about that person do I miss?
What about the institution do I miss?

Write down your thoughts. They may feel obvious as you’re writing but I promise you, three to six months from now you will feel differently and your words will show your progress.

There is no magic button to push to instantly heal but if you look for silver linings along the way, not only will you create a healthy habit that will serve you in less stressful situations, you will also learn a great deal about yourself.

Ask your friends to help you with this exercise. Let them know how you’re trying to look at things and ask for their help to consider what’s good about what you’re going through.

I had a friend who could find a humorous way to look at things and she helped me shift from angry to calm, to laughing in no time.

I struggled to find an example to include here because most are not appropriate for public consumption ☺ but here is one:

If my ex was being a jerk about something my friend would remind me of the three little pigs story and the image of him huffing and puffing outside my house.

I pictured myself in a brick house that he couldn’t blow down with his words and the image of him with big puffy cheeks putting everything he had into upsetting me…kind of made me laugh. This image took me from scared and threatened to calm and confident very quickly.

Take the first step and try the habit of looking for and acknowledging even the smallest of silver linings and I promise you will feel a little better each time!