How to thrive solo when your kids are with your ex

I don’t know one person who hasn’t gotten stressed over the kids’ visitation schedule in a divorce.

Whether you felt you were parenting full-time prior to the divorce (and secretly wishing for a night to yourself!) or felt you were part of parental team, to suddenly have a whole weekend - or holiday - without your kids can feel awkward, lonely, and even a little terrifying.

You’re afraid of being alone. Pets are awesome but it’s hard to go out to eat with your pet. Who else is available?

Equally as important, what do you want to do? What helps you relax, unwind, and recharge?

How do you want to balance responsibilities like cleaning and grocery shopping with real downtime?

And most of all, how do you want to work with your ex around visitation?

Ah - the angst!

There is so much emotion around this (that doesn’t go away!)

• What happens when your ex drops off the kids an hour late without notice or reason?

• What do you do when your ex won’t allow the kids to be with their friends during their time?

• How can you communicate with your children if your ex won’t allow it?

The key goes back to learning what you can and can’t control and remembering who you are (or want to be) as a parent.

When you have a visitation issue with your ex, and you are feeling triggered, here’s what to do:

1.Take the big hairy emotions out of the situation.

Forget, for the moment, how much you dislike him/her.

Disregard, for the moment, trying to figure out why he/she is doing ‘this’.

Instead, let off some steam by talking through it with your friends or divorce coach.

2. Focus on the big ticket issues.

Aside from being annoying, what are the issues, really?

• Are your children missing school or arriving late/unprepared?

• Are your children’s activities being compromised because your ex won’t take them?

• Is your child’s physical or emotional health at risk?
  • Do they need to eat more / less often?
  • Do they need to limit sugar?
  • Do they need more sleep than they appear to be getting?

Write these down.

This will help you make the distinction between the issues at hand and your emotions.

3. Identify what you do want.

Once you are clear about the issue(s), get clear about what you do want. It is far easier to keep the emotion out and achieve your goal if you focus on the outcome vs. opinion.

• I want to reduce stress and model good habits by arriving to school on time with completed homework.

• I want to model responsibility and teamwork by supporting my child’s activities in both practice and games.

• Identifying and honoring physical and emotional needs is a critical part of growing up. I will be the kind of parent who supports my children in this effort.

Looking at your list ask yourself, "Do I truly need my ex in order to achieve these things?"

Possibly yes. But possibly a clear conversation with my children will be every bit as effective.

4. NOW you are ready to have a conversation with your ex (if necessary).

Once you are clear on what to discuss, you can more effectively communicate what needs to be addressed.

You will come to the table with a clear outcome in mind and maybe even talking points so that you can keep to the topics at hand (and can leave your emotions out of it!)

Try this process and see how it goes for you!

Have a question about what to do for one of your angst-filled situations with your ex?

Contact me for a complimentary 30-minute session.

[Fall Sale] Dana's Story

I want you to meet my client Dana. 

Dana came to me in a panic.

She had had what she thought was a happy marriage - until her husband had confessed to an affair and announced that he wanted a divorce.

She was shocked.

She felt as if the rug had been pulled out from underneath her life. 

The divorce process was happening so quickly that she was stressed beyond belief. This isn’t what she imagined for her life, and she didn’t know how it was all going to turn out.

She was so scared!

We began our coaching process by putting the focus back on her. 

We talked through HER values and what SHE wanted - not what her ex wanted.

Can I tell you how refreshing that was for her?

Each session we worked through issues such as her financial situation, her parenting choices, and her overwhelm at it all.

And, when we were halfway through our coaching time, she went home to visit family.

They remarked right away that she seemed taller.

They said, “something’s different, what are you doing?

She replied, “I’m working with Chris, a Divorce Coach!” 

Yep! That’s the beauty of taking back your power - feeling more confident and clear about who you are and where you are headed!

Want to stand a little straighter like Dana did? Take advantage of The Transition Navigator Fall Sale!

Read all about The Transition Navigator here. 

Have questions? Contact me and we can chat.

Through these 3 coaching sessions I’ll help you create tools that work for you.

You are the captain of your life - give yourself the tools you need to effectively navigate your journey.

Do you have a neighbor, close friend or co-worker that this would apply to? Instead of saying “I’m so sorry you are going through this,” how about forwarding this email?

[Fall Sale] So you can exhale again after divorce

It can be so difficult to be your true self during your divorce - and even for years afterwards...

You’re scared of the financial implications.
You are working out visitation arrangements.
You can be so depleted that you just want to curl back up under the covers.

But here’s the thing: Getting support can make your recovery significantly quicker!

Yep! Divorce coaching can help you take back your power.

Because it’s not about “fixing you” - you aren’t broken!

Instead, it empowers you to make the distinction between what you CAN and CANNOT control and it provides tools to help you manage your actions and reactions.

Imagine having the true you shine through during the most challenging time in your life!

And the best part? Being true to who you are will help you bounce back quicker and will have a profoundly positive effect on your kids.

That’s why so excited for my fall sale on The Transition Navigator - a short-term coaching experience to help you stop spinning, gain clarity and feel better!

Together we can set your compass (your vision) and your sails (your values) toward the life you want.

So you can exhale.
So you can smile again.
So you can put the focus back on you!

BONUS for those who purchase by September 27: Purchase this 3-session package and receive 2 additional 30-minute coaching sessions to be used within 6 months! 

"As a single Mom, being divorced now for over five years, I wish I could have had Chris by my side through some of the early stages. However, I am grateful to have met Chris at this point and the work we are doing will only continue to make my life better.

I can't thank you enough! I look forward to our sessions and every week I am more clear and confident about where I am headed.  I attribute that directly to Chris's coaching and I am excited about what is ahead!"  - Amy - Texas

Going through divorce is difficult. Getting help is not.

Invest in yourself and purchase the Transition Navigator today.

Have questions? Contact me and we can chat.

Do you have a neighbor, close friend or co-worker that this would apply to? Instead of saying “I’m so sorry you are going through this,” how about forwarding this to them?

[Fall Sale] Why invest in the Transition Navigator?

After I announced my fall sale on The Transition Navigator on Sunday, I received questions that I thought more of you may have, so I wanted to answer them here: 

 

Who is Transition Navigator for?

This short-term coaching package is perfect if you want to just dip your toe into Divorce Coaching to decide if it’s for you or if you have a family member or friend who could use a helping hand and you’re not sure how to help.

It’s for men and women currently going through a divorce and those who have been divorced 10+ years! (Because, if you have kids and are co-parenting, divorce is an ever-changing journey!

What is included?

This package is designed to help you feel and become more productive and effective in a short amount of time. It includes:

• 3 x 1-hour coaching sessions by phone or Skype
• Unlimited email support between sessions

BONUS: Purchase this 3-session package by 9/27 and receive 2 additional 30-minute coaching sessions to be used within 6 months! 

What can I gain in just 3 sessions?

The divorce coaching process gives you tools to add to your coping toolbox and use for years to come. So even with as few as 3 sessions, you will build skills to trust your instincts, gain confidence and move forward!

Why should I invest in this right now?

If you are ever left frazzled after an interaction with your ex...

If you are struggling to find a way to co-parent in a way that respects your values…

If your friends are becoming weary of listening to your woes about your situation…

Then now is the time to get professional support.

Because going through divorce is difficult. Getting help is not!

"Chris is whip-smart, tough as nails yet utterly approachable and compassionate. She totally empowered me to see the silver linings of my transitions. She was my life boat that helped me not only through a painful divorce but through the next phase of 'what does my career look like now?' She calmed me down every time and inspired me to be forward-focused and create an exciting future for myself. She's an amazing coach and person and I just adore her!" - Heather - Texas

Read all about The Transition Navigator here.

How to envision your life on the other side of the tunnel + a special offer!

When you are in the throes of divorce, it can seem like you may never see the light at the end of the tunnel. 

Your time and energy are so focused on the negotiations that it can feel like you’re running in place.

You’re wondering how you’ll ever make ends meet with your new financial situation.
You’re worried about where you’ll live.
You’re concerned about how all the changes will impact your kids.

Divorce coaching can empower you to envision, “How will I feel once all of this is resolved? 

Together my clients and I envision what life will look like 2 years down the road:

What will you be thinking about when there are no court or settlement decisions to make?
What will your priorities be?
How will you spend your time?

Because here’s the thing: Divorce stress often stems from thinking that life will always feel this way. 

And inevitably, challenges can get worse before they get better.

That’s why I want you to dream ahead a little.

Practice picturing..

Yourself happy and relaxed
Your kids happy
Yourself with years of experience in this role.

Ask any great athlete and they will tell you they absolutely picture themselves winning. They roll that tape over and over again. That’s how they push through tough stuff and WIN. 

You can do the same thing in everyday life. Picture yourself on the other side of the tunnel.

Your visioning can start with something as simple as - “the TV remote will be all mine” or “I don’t have to tell anyone how much I spent on those shoes!”

You’ll feel better if you give yourself productive vs. destructive thoughts to focus on.

Looking to focus on your future and take back your power during this difficult time?

I’m so excited to announce a fall sale on The Transition Navigator - a short-term coaching experience to help you stop spinning, gain clarity and feel better!
 

Because you are the captain of your life.

Together we will set your compass (your vision) and your sails (your values) toward the life you want. 

Here's what's included:

• 3 x 1-hour coaching sessions by phone or Skype

• Unlimited email support between sessions

And we can cover such topics as

• Finances
• Coparenting
• Overwhelm
• Fear
• And so much more

BONUS: Purchase this 3-session package by September 27 and receive 2 additional 30-minute coaching sessions to be used within 6 months!

Divorce is difficult. Getting help is not.

How to NOT be afraid of The Big Bad Wolf in your divorce

It can be so easy to get triggered in a split second by your ex. 

The years of arguing and having contrasting points of view can come gushing back with an off-the-cuff comment, a certain look, or even no action at all.

Sometimes it can seem like you’re fighting with The Big Bad Wolf. 

You know what I mean? The angry, spitting wolf with the snarling teeth and the evil red eyes that makes you want to cower in a corner or go cry to your friends meanwhile wishing it would all go away.

But you can’t let it go away. It keeps you up at night or puts you into a funk for days.

I’m here to offer a way to not be afraid of The Big Bad Wolf.

 

Because here’s the thing: It’s all just noise!

It may feel like what your ex does or says matters a lot - especially when it comes to your kids or your financial arrangement.

It may make you feel as if you want to talk with your ex and work it out like you tried to do in your marriage.

But in reality, all that matters is what you want and what you think is best.

That’s why in my coaching I help you get crystal clear on your values, yourgoals and how you want to feel.

When you are more connected with your life, and when you can look at that first - It’s a lot easier to see the Big Bad Wolf for what it is, a cartoon character!

And doesn’t focusing on what you believe is right feel better than anything your ex could do or say?

Take back your power by focusing on you.
 

The next time you feel triggered by your ex, try this simple exercise to go from scared and threatened to laughing and confident very quickly.

Download “How to Find and Use Humor to Heal From Your Divorce” right here.

Because it’s time. Your future is calling. I’m here to help you make it bright!

P.S. Do you have a neighbor, close friend or co-worker that this would apply to? Instead of saying “I’m so sorry you are going through this,” how about forwarding them this free gift?

Why the “why” doesn’t matter

There are so many times in the divorce process, and beyond, that you may wonder why your ex made the decisions he/she did. 

You may lie awake at night thinking:

Why did he get angry about that?
Why is she lying about me?
Why is he sleeping around?

You may feel that if you knew the “why” you would know how to respond better.

But I have to tell you - the “why” doesn’t matter.
 

What matters is who you are and what you think is right. 

Yep. This is another opportunity to put the focus back on you.

You only have so much energy and using it to churn on an unknowable question wastes your precious time. 

In a divorce, just as in life in general, you are never going to know all the reasons why. Instead you are going to waste time and energy on something you can never really know.

What will truly make you feel better is figuring out what you want to do about the situation, if anything. 

So he got angry. Just let him try to rattle you.
So she lied. You know the truth. You know who you are.
So he’s sleeping around. You don’t have to worry about his private life anymore.

You get to choose if you react.
You get to choose how you react. And that is all that matters.

The next time you feel yourself getting sucked into the ‘why’ vortex stop and think:

1. Define the situation or issue.
2. How do I feel about it?
3. What is most important to me?
4. Do I want to respond and, if so, what outcome do I want?

You don’t need to share the answers with anyone, but thinking through what you want and writing it down helps to ground you and solidify your thoughts

Bottom line, divorce can be like a baseball game; see the pitch come in slow and don’t swing at a pitch in the dirt! Swing when you choose.
 

I’m so excited as I have something brand new to share with you!

When life gets the better of you, it can be so easy to fall into a funk. I know that humor may be the last thing on your mind right now, but I want to share an exercise with you that helped me through those tough times.

This free download is designed to take you from scared and threatened to calm and confident very quickly.

Click here to download "How to Find and Use Humor to Heal From Your Divorce.

Because it’s time. Your future is calling. I’m here to help you make it bright!

How to say “no” to your ex

In an imperfect world, the divorce process can make you feel like you have to be perfect.

With so much conflict and criticism coming from your ex, your ex’s attorney, or even from within, you may be thinking:

I have to be the best, most cooperative parent.
I shouldn’t have said that to my kids.
I can’t do that because it would look bad.

Wondering how things are going to appear (to your ex or to the outside world in general) can leave you paralyzed with fear.

And that fear then compounds into anger when you see your ex doing things that don’t seem to have any consequences.

He/she may be dating already.
He/she may be going out and trying new things.
He/she may be making parenting decisions that drive you crazy.

It’s enough to turn you into a ball of stress!

When you feel that stress coming on, it’s important to learn how to say “no” to your ex - and “yes” to you.

Part of the natural separating process of divorce is to define and create boundaries.

It’s important to honor yourself during this time of transition and regrowth.

Ask yourself,

What’s important to me?
What rules do I live by?
What is right and wrong for me?

One of my clients did this in a seemingly simple way with laundry. When her teens did laundry at her ex’s, they were not required to fold their clean clothes.

She was afraid that, if she required them to fold and put away laundry at her house, that she would look like the strict house and that her kids would resent her.

When she did this exercise, however, she decided that folding laundry was one of the rules she lives by. She requested that when her kids did laundry at mom’s house, the laundry is folded and put away. And her kids obliged. No conflict. No drama.

Another client’s ex routinely asked to change the visitation schedule. At first he said yes to everything because he didn’t want his kids to be stuck in the middle of a scheduling conflict. Before long he realized he wasn’t making any plans during the times his kids were with their mom ‘just in case’ he needed to step in to help out. He felt tense and a bit resentful so we did this exercise together.

He quickly realized that the best way to support his kids was to live by example, set boundaries and honor the responsibility of the visitation schedule. He accommodated change requests when he could but no longer felt he had to say yes.

The next time you get triggered by a decision, think of these questions. They will become your natural filter which will guide you to feel what’s right.

Here’s to your boundaries, because they matter.

Stay tuned for something brand new coming your way in my next newsletter! (Subscribe below)

Copyright © 2017 St. Clair Coaching, All rights reserved. 

How to find the silver linings in troubling times

Dealing with the heartache, fear and anger of divorce is tough and it may feel like it will never be over. It’s often hard to imagine having a really good day or ever feeling happy again.

But it doesn’t have to be that way.

Progress starts with a small shift in focus. A shift from trying to be upbeat and positive to simply being productive. During my divorce coaching sessions, my clients and I create simple tools to facilitate a ‘productive’ vs ‘positive’ mindset. Tools such as:

• mantras
• small perspective shifts
• healthy habit development
• identifying and defining what you feel

Instead of wrapping yourself in a negative emotion, consider starting new habit of noticing and acknowledging what is good about your current situation. What is the silver lining of the path you’re on?

How you ask?

Start by asking yourself this simple question as often as possible during each day, “What is good about this?” (this being a specific situation, issue, or life in general).

Here are some examples:

What is good about being the only adult in my home?

For some it could be as simple as you get to pick where furniture goes, the fragrance of your home, when the curtains are open or closed, etc..  For others, it might be really tough to find something good to focus on.

It’s quite ‘human’ to focus on what upsets us but give it a try for a few days and see how you feel. 

Silver linings don’t erase the challenges but noticing and acknowledging them does help shift to a more productive perspective.  

You can, in essence, train your mind to look for what’s good or ‘possible’ in the situation.

As an example, financial concerns can be complicated.

What is good about my not knowing my financial future?

For me the unknowns were overwhelming so I struggled to find a way to sooth my concerns. Instead of banging my head against that wall I decided to embrace the not knowing and developed a mantra so I could stop spinning -  ‘my kids and my next paycheck is all that I need to get through this.’ This helped remind me of what was important.

This helped me stop getting too attached to the ups and downs of the financial negotiations.  

What’s good about the trauma my kids are going through?

“Nothing” was what came to mind most often but then I’d ask myself take a broader view (widened my camera lens if you will) – no I did not want my children to be in this tense situation but as long as we’re here – the good thing is that we’re here together and that they will learn more about themselves earlier in life than most kids and that will serve them well.

Also, my kids will see my example so I have an opportunity to be someone they can be proud of. This made me feel stronger and more determined.

WIthout these challenges my kids might have sailed through adolescence oblivious to the struggle around them.  Experiencing these situations has made them stronger and more empathetic as adults.

Hard as it is to believe, there are even silver linings in heartache too.

Heartache offers the opportunity to explore what hurts and why. It helps us see those things that are and are not connected with the other person.

For example, if you are devastated by the loss of your one true love, dig under that phrase and ask;

What about that relationship do I miss?
What about that person do I miss?
What about the institution do I miss?

Write down your thoughts. They may feel obvious as you’re writing but I promise you, three to six months from now you will feel differently and your words will show your progress.

There is no magic button to push to instantly heal but if you look for silver linings along the way, not only will you create a healthy habit that will serve you in less stressful situations, you will also learn a great deal about yourself.

 

How to manage overwhelm during your divorce.

Overwhelm is often the result of feeling many strong emotions at the same time. Fear. Sadness. Anger. Confusion.

Overwhelm is common in divorce because there is so much uncertainty and change.  You are probably spinning with such questions as

Where are you going to live?

How are you going to support yourself?

How will your kids cope with the split?

That’s why I want to share a three step process to help you manage all the overwhelm during your divorce.

1. Step back from your day and separate your emotions into buckets, such as

• fear
• anger
• hurt

This distinction can significantly simplify handling each emotion one by one.  

2. Explore your emotions, such as

• fear of what
• anger at whom
• hurt by whom, specifically what hurt.

Write down your thoughts. As obvious as they might feel to you, writing your thoughts down serves as a clarifying action and provides a valuable tool for reflection.

For example, “My ex brought his new girlfriend to an event at my child’s elementary school and I felt angry and afraid. I was angry that my child had to deal with seeing a stranger with their father in public. I felt fear that this new woman was going to replace me as mom and that my child would prefer her to me.”

You might even find that as you write your emotions down you move to a calmer place. For example, as you write the words ‘fear of being replaced’ you might find your heart knows that isn’t true and the fear subsides.

3. Finally, assign a percentage to each emotion and create an action plan for the highest % emotion(s).

For example, if overwhelm = 100%, then what percentage of your overwhelm is hurt, anger, fear?

Focus your energy by working on the biggest bucket. Yes, this is subjective but it is a pragmatic way to distinguish between emotions and eat the apple one bite at a time. If you find you are 70% angry, 20% hurt and 10% afraid then your time is far better spent working through the anger than the fear.

Next, dig into your highest percentage emotions and create an action plan.

Your plan could be to ask for something specific from your ex.

It could be to handle your concern within your home (using the example above, you might talk with your child about how they felt and work through it) or perhaps you prefer to talk through it with a friend.  

You might also find enough comfort in knowing more about what you are feeling and decide not to take any action. This is still progress because it’s a conscious choice.  

You will be able to see your progress much more clearly if you write down what you feel, what’s underneath your feeling and how strong each feeling is versus another.

I know many of my clients are surprised to find that this process uncovers more fear than hurt and that the fear is often projected vs. literal. Fear of the unknown is one of the most common fears so bringing the fear into the light of day can be enough to take away its power and put you back in the driver’s seat.

This is a simple 3 step process that involves identifying what you feel, how strongly you feel it, and creating an action plan from that enlightened place. It will also serve as a reminder of how far you’ve come in your recovery. Think back to Day 1 of your divorce recovery vs. today or to your first day at a new job vs your 5th anniversary at that job.

Give yourself the gift of documenting your forward progress by defining your feelings along the way.

Need some more guidance with your newly-single status? Contact me for a complimentary 30-minute session.

How to untangle the knots after divorce.

I have found in my coaching practice that the road to divorce recovery is not straight.

You can be moving forward one minute and then out of nowhere something happens and the road becomes bumpy, unfamiliar, tough to navigate. Perhaps:

• Your ex refuses to pay for something he initially agreed to.
   
• Your kids are invited along on a trip with a new woman (whom you don’t know) and her kids.
   
• Your children incur a new situation, such as approaching college, and you need to discuss financial obligations with your ex.

Yep. The road to recovery can be rough. But try not to worry.

It’s kind of like if you were knitting an afghan and came across a knot in the yarn, you’d pause, untie the knot and keep going.

But you’re not an afghan, you’re a real person and when you’ve been moving forward and suddenly come across a knot or two or three it can make you wonder if you are slipping back to the beginning where it was SO BAD.

Or, you may have untangled one knot and are feeling pretty good about things - only to incur a huge and unexpected knot that knocks you off your feet.

And when that happens it can make you put up your guard, feel defensive and downright helpless.

But that’s not how it is.

You CAN undo the knots (and prevent more knots down the line) WHILE you continue knitting the pretty afghan of your life!

Before you think, yeah right, Chris! Just keep reading…

Knots are common. Even 2 years, 5 years or 15 years down the road.

Everyone incurs them.

And my wish for you is:

Don’t let them stop you.
Don’t let them make you build your wall up again.

Expect that they will happen and when they do, here’s a tool you can use: Connect with your own vision for the future.

I want you to get clear on what the next 3-5 years of your life looks like.

Paint as detailed a picture as you can, such as

• Who do you want to be as a parent?
   
• What does your career look like?

• What types of relationships are in your life (friends, romantic partners, extended family, etc).

• What are important events for you (trips/kid activities, etc)

Then use this vision to guide your decisions.

Keep it close in your mind as you are responding to situations with your ex, with your children and more.

When you do that, you can take that other person out of the equation and make decisions based on YOU and what you think is best.

You can stop worrying about “what is fair” or “what is right” and be the parent, friend, employee you want to be. 

(And if you are saying to yourself ‘yes but what if my ex hates my decision?! What do I say to him? That’s normal too and I’m not suggesting you don’t think about that. It’s just that once you decide what you want, THEN you can layer back in how to best communicate that to your ex - in a clear way)

How are you doing in your healing process?

Any knots you want to discuss? The Empowered Divorcee Coaching Program is a chance to get the tools needed to get yourself planted on solid ground and to bring out the best of who you are.

It’s time. Your future is calling.

I’m here to help you make it bright!

How to find the silver linings in troubling times

Dealing with the heartache, fear and anger of divorce can leave you feeling that it won’t be over until you feel all better...and that you’ll never feel all better so all is doomed.

But it doesn’t have to be that way.

My coaching focuses on a ‘productive’ mindset vs ‘positive’ mindset.

During my divorce coaching sessions, I share simple, productive tools to contribute to forward momentum, such as

simple mantras
small perspective shifts
healthy habit development.

Because forward momentum results in healing.

Instead of sinking into a negative emotion, consider starting new habit of noticing and acknowledging the silver linings of the path you’re on.

How you ask?

Start by asking yourself this simple question as often as possible during each day, “What is good about this?”

(this being a specific situation, issue, or life in general).

Here are some examples:

What is good about being the only adult in my home?

For some it could be as simple as you get to pick where furniture goes, the fragrance of your home, when the curtains are open or closed, etc.

Human nature is to focus on what upsets us, but you can train your mind to help you see what’s good or ‘possible’ in the situation instead.

Silver linings don’t have to erase the challenges, but noticing and acknowledging them helps shift to a more productive perspective.

As an example, financial concerns can be complicated.

What is good about my financial future?

For me, the unknowns were overwhelming so I struggled to find a way to soothe my concerns. Instead of banging my head against the wall I decided to embrace the not-knowing and developed a mantra so I could stop spinning and said, "my kids and my next paycheck is all that I need to get through this."

This helped me stop myself from getting too attached to the ups and downs of the financial negotiations.

What’s good about the trauma my kids are going through?

“Nothing” was what that came to mind most often but then I’d let myself take a broader view (widened my camera lens if you will) . No, I did not want my children to be in this tense situation but as long as we’re here, the good thing is that we’re here together.

They’ll learn more about themselves earlier in life than most kids and that will serve them well.

And they will see my example so I have an opportunity here to be someone they can be proud of. This made me feel stronger.

Without these challenges my kids might have sailed through adolescence oblivious to the struggle around them. Experiencing these situations has made them more empathetic as adults.

Hard as it is to believe, there are even silver linings in heartache too.

Heartache offers the opportunity to explore what hurts and why. It helps us see those things that are and are not connected with the other person.

For example, if you are devastated by the loss of loss of your one true love, dig under that phrase and ask,

What about that relationship do I miss?
What about that person do I miss?
What about the institution do I miss?

Write down your thoughts. They may feel obvious as you’re writing but I promise you, three to six months from now you will feel differently and your words will show your progress.

There is no magic button to push to instantly heal but if you look for silver linings along the way, not only will you create a healthy habit that will serve you in less stressful situations, you will also learn a great deal about yourself.

Ask your friends to help you with this exercise. Let them know how you’re trying to look at things and ask for their help to consider what’s good about what you’re going through.

I had a friend who could find a humorous way to look at things and she helped me shift from angry to calm, to laughing in no time.

I struggled to find an example to include here because most are not appropriate for public consumption ☺ but here is one:

If my ex was being a jerk about something my friend would remind me of the three little pigs story and the image of him huffing and puffing outside my house.

I pictured myself in a brick house that he couldn’t blow down with his words and the image of him with big puffy cheeks putting everything he had into upsetting me…kind of made me laugh. This image took me from scared and threatened to calm and confident very quickly.

Take the first step and try the habit of looking for and acknowledging even the smallest of silver linings and I promise you will feel a little better each time!

How to manage overwhelm during your divorce (and beyond!)

Overwhelm is often the result of feeling many strong emotions at the same time. Fear. Sadness. Anger. Confusion.

Overwhelm is common in divorce because there is so much uncertainty and change.  You are probably spinning with such questions as

Where are you going to live?

How are you going to support yourself?

How will your kids cope with the split?

That’s why I want to share a four step process with you to help manage all the overwhelm during your divorce.

1. Step back from your day and separate your emotions into buckets, such as

• fear
• anger
• hurt.

This distinction can significantly simplify handling these emotions one by one.

2. Explain your emotions, such as

• fear of what
• anger at whom
• hurt by whom, specifically what hurt.

As you do this, it might not feel like writing it down because your feelings are so obvious to you.

But I encourage you to trust that it will really will serve you down the road.

For example, ‘My ex brought his new girlfriend to an event at my child’s elementary school and I felt angry and afraid. I was angry that my child had to deal with seeing a stranger with their father in ‘public’. I felt fear that this new woman was going to replace me as ‘mom’ and that my child would prefer her to me.’

3. Define the percentage of your overwhelm associated with each emotion bucket and create an action plan for the highest % emotions.

If overwhelm = 100%, then what percentage of your overwhelm is hurt, anger, fear?

Start by defining the one with the highest percentage and work from there. Yes, this is subjective but it is a pragmatic way to distinguish between between emotions. If you find you are 70% angry, 20% hurt and 10% afraid then your time is far better spent working through the anger than the fear.

4. Dig into your highest percentage emotions and create an action plan.

Your plan could be to ask for something specific from your ex.

It could be to handle your concern within your home (using the example above, you might talk with your child about how they felt and work through it).

Or you might find comfort in knowing more about what you were feeling and decide not to take any action.

This is still progress because it is a conscious choice not stuffing the feelings down or ignoring them.

You will be able to see your progress much more clearly if you write down what you feel, what’s underneath your feeling and how strong one feeling is versus another.

I know many of my clients are surprised to find that this process uncovers more fear than than hurt and that the fear is often projected vs. literal.

Fear of the unknown is one of the strongest fears so bringing the fear into the light of day can be enough to take away its power. (And they then feel empowered as to how to deal with it.)

Imagine Day 1 of your divorce vs Day 60. Even in that short time you notice and feel different things.

Give yourself the gift of documenting your forward progress by defining your feelings along the way.

Need some more guidance with your newly-single status? Contact me to schedule a time for your complimentary 30-minute Session.

How coaching can help you get the best bang for your divorce dollar

So many women who are in the process of a divorce feel like...

• They have no power or any control over any decisions that are made.
   
• The divorce costs are out of and they have no control over them.
   
• They are losing – losing power and/or losing in the negotiations.
   
• They are unsure of what they really want.

Enter Divorce Coaching.

Having a personal divorce coach can help you be focused on YOU and what you want - not on your ex or all the drama.

It can help you take back your power AND save you money during this difficult time in your life.

I’ll help you create a vision to pull yourself forward rather than treading water or getting sucked in.

Divorce coaching gives you tools to better understand what’s driving your emotions so that you’ll know what you want and why you want it.

You’ll gain a clearer understanding of what’s worth fighting for and what’s OK to let go.

Divorce coaching can also save you money with your lawyer or financial advisor.

Since you’ll be clear on what you want, YOU focus on what is most important and manage those relationships. Can you imaging what an empowering feeling that can be?

If you need to talk to someone about your divorce, contact me to schedule a time for your complimentary 30-minute Session.

How divorce coaching can help your identify and strengthen your support system

Going through a divorce can feel like one of the loneliest times in your life.

It can be isolating as you struggle to handle kids activities, household chores, making endless decisions and more -  all on your own.

You may have so much on your plate that you are drop-dead exhausted all the time or even on the verge of a breakdown.

It doesn’t have to be that way.

In the divorce coaching process you’ll discover how asking for help is not a sign of weakness or being needy.

Rather, you’ll better understand that you come from a place of confidence and power when you let people support you.

Through the process of divorce coaching you are empowered to identify and nurture your village – your community of friends who are in similar circumstances and people who can help you and empower you.

In working with a divorce coach you will Identify characteristics that you respect in friends and learn what you need and why.

And here’s the great thing: By recognizing and learning how to nurture your village you get the opportunity to reciprocate and do something kind for someone else.

If you need to talk to someone about your divorce, contact me to schedule a time for your complimentary 30-minute Session.

How to take back your power in co-parenting

It can often feel like a slippery slope with trying to co-parent with your ex.

Maybe he’s not being as responsible as you’d like.

Or maybe you are cringing at the loss of control over what your kids eat or how much screen time they get at the other house.

You may be feeling a huge lack of support with your parenting decisions.

Enter Divorce Coaching.

Through the process of divorce coaching, you begin to take the helplessness and hopelessness out of the co-parenting situation.

This process empowers you to respond on your own terms instead of react.

You’ll learn how to make the distinction between what you can and cannot control.

You’ll also better understand how your values drive your emotions so that you can be more aware of your decisions.

Divorce coaching empowers you to define what kind of parent you want to be – which is completely independent of anyone else – and that’s an amazing feeling!

If you need to talk to someone about your divorce, contact me to schedule a time for your complimentary 30-minute Session.

Why healthy self talk is crucial during your divorce

There's so much negativity in divorce, isn't there?

If your ex isn’t mud slinging, you are probably beating yourself up.

Or maybe your kids are acting up as a result of the process, and you’re questioning your parenting skills.

Creating healthy self talk is one of the most powerful things you can do during a divorce.

A divorce coach can help empower you to identify where you may have an “old truth” or an old belief or thought pattern that, deep down you know is a lie.

You know it’s untrue and yet it’s so ingrained into your brain that it has somehow become a reality in your thought process.

Knowing that you want to change those negative thoughts is one step.
Giving yourself healthy replacement thoughts is another.
Yes finding the specific words to create those affirmations is key - and it is so liberating!

The divorce coaching process can help you with being kinder and gentler to yourself, which is crucial for healing the trauma of divorce.

Finding healthy affirmations is a tool you can use not only now but for years to come.

If you need to talk to someone about your divorce, contact me to schedule a time for your complimentary 30-minute Session.

How to identify and strengthen your support system during divorce

Going through a divorce can feel like one of the loneliest times in your life.

It can be isolating as you struggle to handle kids activities, household chores, making endless decisions and more -  all on your own.

You may have so much on your plate that you are drop-dead exhausted all the time or even on the verge of a breakdown.

It doesn't have to be that way. 

In the divorce coaching process you’ll discover how asking for help is not a sign of weakness or being needy.

Rather, you’ll better understand that you come from a place of confidence and power when you let people support you.

Through the process of divorce coaching you are empowered to identify and nurture your village – your community of friends who are in similar circumstances and are people who can help you and empower you.

In working with a divorce coach you will Identify characteristics that you respect in friend and learn what you need and why.

And here’s the great thing: By recognizing and learning how to nurture your village you get the opportunity to reciprocate and do something kind for someone else.

If you need to talk to someone about your divorce, contact me to schedule a time for your complimentary 30-minute Session.

The benefits of a Divorce Coach

Of the many things I know now that I wish I’d known before I started the divorce process…the benefits of a divorce coach ranks at the top of the list! 

The reasons are simple: I would have increased my self-esteem, lowered my overall stress and spent less on attorneys. 

Instead I tried going it alone and even tried talking to a therapist. 

Don’t get me wrong, I had good legal representation and therapists are great folks but just not what I needed at that time.

My divorce was a marathon – or more accurately, the divorce was quick but the modifications became a marathon that provided me with 10 years of hard-fought experience with the family court system in 2 states.

Armed with this experience and a great deal of personal exploration and growth, I have come to realize that a Coach would have saved me time, money, and heartache.

In fact, this experience is what prompted me to leave a 25 year career in high-tech to reach out to others going through divorce.

Each time another mediation or court date would approach, my attorney’s would tell me to relax and to not let the opposing side get to me. How to do that was up to me.

I feel proud of the job I did in terms of having a set of goals and staying focused on my children. I was never motivated by vengeance or greed, it was always about what I believed was best for my children.

That said, where I needed coaching was in understanding and communicating the priority of my goals and more importantly, in understanding why my goals were important to me in the first place.

Too often I would swing at a pitch in the dirt from my ex or his attorney because I believed there was a point that needed to be clarified (aka ‘set straight’) or because I thought there might be a perceived connection between what had been said about me and the outcome of the case.  My swinging at the nasty pitch was a no-win situation but I didn’t see it at the time.

Had I had a Coach I would have also had a firm grasp of my values, a clear vision of my future, a set of goals to reach my vision, , and trust in myself. 

Armed with this insight I would have brought my best self to every court and mediation session, to every attorney meeting, and to every co-parenting interaction and would have spent far less $$ reacting and fighting.

This doesn’t mean getting my way or avoiding all issues, but just like a personal trainer, a Coach would have helped me stay focused on MY vision and my goals and not get sucked into someone else’s definition of success.

How to pursue Peace in your divorce.

A follow up to ‘The Pursuit of Peace’ blog

Peace is a journey not a destination.

In my original blog on the topic of pursuing peace in the divorce process, I highlighted three benefits to this pursuit:

1. Creates a solution mindset – moving away from conflict
    
2. Provides hope and helps you achieve your vision – creating a vision that does not include the conflict & helps create momentum toward peace
    
3. Sets a good example for your children and others around you

Before we go too far down this path on how to pursue peace, I want to state a few things out loud.

Pursuing peace is for you.

It isn’t losing and it isn’t weakness.

It’s a choice and one that gets made again and again during and after a divorce.

How you ask?

How do I pursue peace when my ex is out for blood?

How do I pursue peace when I’m about to lose my house?

How on earth do I pursue peace when my heart is broken?

Let’s start by defining ‘what’ peace is for you.  

This first step is one that is often overlooked. In fact, racing past this first step doesn’t just happen during life transitions it is often missed in business and in international relations as well.

Peace isn’t the absence of fighting or immediate danger although that may be a component of the solution. Peace is deeper and the more clearly we define what we’re striving for, the more likely we are to achieve it.

So, back to step 1 – define what peace means to you.

Below are 5 key questions to bring peace to life for you.

1. What does peace mean to me?

2. What do I get when I have peace?
    
3. What is good about having or getting those things? (Yes, this is a distinctly different question from the previous one)
    
4. What does peace look and feel like?
    
5. How will I know when it’s there? How do I know when it’s missing?

As an example, consider one client’s perspective on these questions.

Peace means no raised voices in anger in my home; respect for each person’s opinion and belongings, and taking personal responsibility. What I get when I have peace is a sense of relaxation and I don’t have to worry that things will erupt any moment. My children are also free to be themselves rather than worrying about the possibility of an explosion. What’s good about these things is that I have more physical and emotional energy to focus on other things like my children, my job, and my future. Peace looks like power to me. It feels like I’m in control of my emotions and my daily life. I know peace is there when my heart rate is steady and I breathe deeply. I know it’s missing when I feel distracted, tense, fearful and ‘on guard’.

Step back for a moment and take in these questions.

Put yourself in the mindset of having the peace you seek.

Don’t worry about ‘how’ you’re going to get there, stay focused on what you want, why you want it and what having it gives you.

Remember, this is a journey; you are defining your purpose objectives. ‘How’ you will embark on this journey will be discussed in the next segment.