How to thrive solo when your kids are with your ex
I don’t know one person who hasn’t gotten stressed over the kids’ visitation schedule in a divorce.
Whether you felt you were parenting full-time prior to the divorce (and secretly wishing for a night to yourself!) or felt you were part of parental team, to suddenly have a whole weekend - or holiday - without your kids can feel awkward, lonely, and even a little terrifying.
You’re afraid of being alone. Pets are awesome but it’s hard to go out to eat with your pet. Who else is available?
Equally as important, what do you want to do? What helps you relax, unwind, and recharge?
How do you want to balance responsibilities like cleaning and grocery shopping with real downtime?
And most of all, how do you want to work with your ex around visitation?
Ah - the angst!
There is so much emotion around this (that doesn’t go away!)
- What happens when your ex drops off the kids an hour late without notice or reason?
- What do you do when your ex won’t allow the kids to be with their friends during their time?
- How can you communicate with your children if your ex won’t allow it?
The key goes back to learning what you can and can’t control and remembering who you are (or want to be) as a parent.
When you have a visitation issue with your ex, and you are feeling triggered, here’s what to do:
1.Take the big hairy emotions out of the situation.
Forget, for the moment, how much you dislike him/her.
Disregard, for the moment, trying to figure out why he/she is doing ‘this’.
Instead, let off some steam by talking through it with your friends or divorce coach.
2. Focus on the big ticket issues.
Aside from being annoying, what are the issues, really?
- Are your children missing school or arriving late/unprepared?
- Are your children’s activities being compromised because your ex won’t take them?
- Is your child’s physical or emotional health at risk?
- Do they need to eat more / less often?
- Do they need to limit sugar?
- Do they need more sleep than they appear to be getting?
Write these down.
This will help you make the distinction between the issues at hand and your emotions.
3. Identify what you do want.
Once you are clear about the issue(s), get clear about what you do want. It is far easier to keep the emotion out and achieve your goal if you focus on the outcome vs. opinion.
- I want to reduce stress and model good habits by arriving to school on time with completed homework.
- I want to model responsibility and teamwork by supporting my child’s activities in both practice and games.
- Identifying and honoring physical and emotional needs is a critical part of growing up. I will be the kind of parent who supports my children in this effort.
Looking at your list ask yourself, "Do I truly need my ex in order to achieve these things?"
Possibly yes. But possibly a clear conversation with my children will be every bit as effective.
4. NOW you are ready to have a conversation with your ex (if necessary).
Once you are clear on what to discuss, you can more effectively communicate what needs to be addressed.
You will come to the table with a clear outcome in mind and maybe even talking points so that you can keep to the topics at hand (and can leave your emotions out of it!)
Try this process and see how it goes for you!
Have a question about what to do for one of your angst-filled situations with your ex?