How to find the silver linings in troubling times
Dealing with the heartache, fear and anger of divorce is tough and it may feel like it will never be over. It’s often hard to imagine having a really good day or ever feeling happy again.
But it doesn’t have to be that way.
Progress starts with a small shift in focus. A shift from trying to be upbeat and positive to simply being productive. During my divorce coaching sessions, my clients and I create simple tools to facilitate a ‘productive’ vs ‘positive’ mindset. Tools such as:
- mantras
- small perspective shifts
- healthy habit development
- identifying and defining what you feel
Instead of wrapping yourself in a negative emotion, consider starting new habit of noticing and acknowledging what is good about your current situation. What is the silver lining of the path you’re on?
How you ask?
Start by asking yourself this simple question as often as possible during each day, “What is good about this?” (this being a specific situation, issue, or life in general).
Here are some examples:
What is good about being the only adult in my home?
For some it could be as simple as you get to pick where furniture goes, the fragrance of your home, when the curtains are open or closed, etc.. For others, it might be really tough to find something good to focus on.
It’s quite ‘human’ to focus on what upsets us but give it a try for a few days and see how you feel.
Silver linings don’t erase the challenges but noticing and acknowledging them does help shift to a more productive perspective.
You can, in essence, train your mind to look for what’s good or ‘possible’ in the situation.
As an example, financial concerns can be complicated.
What is good about my not knowing my financial future?
For me the unknowns were overwhelming so I struggled to find a way to sooth my concerns. Instead of banging my head against that wall I decided to embrace the not knowing and developed a mantra so I could stop spinning - ‘my kids and my next paycheck is all that I need to get through this.’ This helped remind me of what was important.
This helped me stop getting too attached to the ups and downs of the financial negotiations.
What’s good about the trauma my kids are going through?
“Nothing” was what came to mind most often but then I’d ask myself take a broader view (widened my camera lens if you will) – no I did not want my children to be in this tense situation but as long as we’re here – the good thing is that we’re here together and that they will learn more about themselves earlier in life than most kids and that will serve them well.
Also, my kids will see my example so I have an opportunity to be someone they can be proud of. This made me feel stronger and more determined.
WIthout these challenges my kids might have sailed through adolescence oblivious to the struggle around them. Experiencing these situations has made them stronger and more empathetic as adults.
Hard as it is to believe, there are even silver linings in heartache too.
Heartache offers the opportunity to explore what hurts and why. It helps us see those things that are and are not connected with the other person.
For example, if you are devastated by the loss of your one true love, dig under that phrase and ask;
What about that relationship do I miss?
What about that person do I miss?
What about the institution do I miss?
Write down your thoughts. They may feel obvious as you’re writing but I promise you, three to six months from now you will feel differently and your words will show your progress.