How to manage overwhelm during your divorce.
Overwhelm is often the result of feeling many strong emotions at the same time. Fear. Sadness. Anger. Confusion.
Overwhelm is common in divorce because there is so much uncertainty and change. You are probably spinning with such questions as
Where are you going to live?
How are you going to support yourself?
How will your kids cope with the split?
That’s why I want to share a three step process to help you manage all the overwhelm during your divorce.
1. Step back from your day and separate your emotions into buckets, such as
- fear
- anger
- hurt
This distinction can significantly simplify handling each emotion one by one.
2. Explore your emotions, such as
- fear of what
- anger at whom
- hurt by whom, specifically what hurt.
Write down your thoughts. As obvious as they might feel to you, writing your thoughts down serves as a clarifying action and provides a valuable tool for reflection.
For example, “My ex brought his new girlfriend to an event at my child’s elementary school and I felt angry and afraid. I was angry that my child had to deal with seeing a stranger with their father in public. I felt fear that this new woman was going to replace me as mom and that my child would prefer her to me.”
You might even find that as you write your emotions down you move to a calmer place. For example, as you write the words ‘fear of being replaced’ you might find your heart knows that isn’t true and the fear subsides.
3. Finally, assign a percentage to each emotion and create an action plan for the highest % emotion(s).
For example, if overwhelm = 100%, then what percentage of your overwhelm is hurt, anger, fear?
Focus your energy by working on the biggest bucket. Yes, this is subjective but it is a pragmatic way to distinguish between emotions and eat the apple one bite at a time. If you find you are 70% angry, 20% hurt and 10% afraid then your time is far better spent working through the anger than the fear.
Next, dig into your highest percentage emotions and create an action plan.
Your plan could be to ask for something specific from your ex.
It could be to handle your concern within your home (using the example above, you might talk with your child about how they felt and work through it) or perhaps you prefer to talk through it with a friend.
You might also find enough comfort in knowing more about what you are feeling and decide not to take any action. This is still progress because it’s a conscious choice.
You will be able to see your progress much more clearly if you write down what you feel, what’s underneath your feeling and how strong each feeling is versus another.
I know many of my clients are surprised to find that this process uncovers more fear than hurt and that the fear is often projected vs. literal. Fear of the unknown is one of the most common fears so bringing the fear into the light of day can be enough to take away its power and put you back in the driver’s seat.
This is a simple 3 step process that involves identifying what you feel, how strongly you feel it, and creating an action plan from that enlightened place. It will also serve as a reminder of how far you’ve come in your recovery. Think back to Day 1 of your divorce recovery vs. today or to your first day at a new job vs your 5th anniversary at that job.