The Pursuit of Peace

“I realize that the pursuit of peace is not as dramatic as the pursuit of war… But we have no more urgent task” John F. Kennedy – June 1963 Commencement address at American University

Graduation and Memorial Day provide two opportunities to think about the future and what we’d be willing to fight for.

As JFK points out, the pursuit of peace is not only an option, it can be an urgent option. In a divorce, the pursuit of peace is not for your ex, the lawyers, not even for your children (although it is critical for their future as well).

The pursuit of peace is for you!

Divorce puts emotions on high alert so it’s natural to feel threatened. As humans we often make different decisions when we’re feeling threatened than we do when we’re feeling confident and safe.

Certainly there are situations where someone is in real danger when going through a divorce. But many times, the feeling of threat comes from within; which means we have the power to work through that feeling and regain a sense of self. 

We have the choice to look at each situation to find opportunities to pursue peace.

So what do you get when you pursue peace?

First, you put yourself in a solutions mindset; continually looking for ways to address issues as they arise rather than looking for additional problems to add to the list of complaints.

Second, the pursuit of peace provides hope and helps you achieve the vision you’ve created for your future. I feel confident saying this because it would be rare for someone to create a personal future vision that involves an on-going war with their ex.

When designing our future vision we typically include the things we want in our lives, our dreams, and our goals. Likewise, we have the power to not drag our baggage with us as we design our future.

Third, you set a positive example for those watching you – your children, those you mentor, other family members, etc. These folks will see you fight for what you believe in, but they also see your end game as peace not victory over your enemy. There is a significant difference.

The road may still be tough, and the choices along the way certainly will be, but with peace as the goal, you put yourself and your family on a healing path.

The Village

“I could never do what you do”

“How do you do it?”

“I’m not as strong as you”

I used to hear these things a lot when I was a single mom with two young daughters.

These days my little girls are grown women and I’m happily remarried. Back then though, I would say things like “thank you but, I just do what needs to be done”; “you’d do the same if you were me” and other such things to deflect the discomfort I felt taking credit for doing something I didn’t feel I was doing.

Why?

Because in my mind, I was getting credit for doing everything myself when, in fact, I had a village helping me.

You see, I was blessed with a group of friends who were not just there for me when something was wrong, they were there for me when real life happened.

They were my second set of eyes, hands, and feet. We had each other’s back, period.

“I’m heading to the store, do you need anything?”

“I’m running late at the office, can you pick Suzie up at dance class on your way home?”

“My girls are home alone and there’s a storm coming, would you mind if they head over to your house until I get home?”

I lived and live in a virtual village where these things are not favors; they are just what we do on a daily basis.

There are a thousand examples of the little things that need to get done on a daily basis to make a family function smoothly. 

Single moms often think that asking for help on these little things means asking for a favor. 

The secret to my success as a single mom was finding a group of women who pitched in and allowed me to do the same. The family instinct in each of us just kicked in and our circle expanded to include one another.

Daily routines included an understanding of each others current circumstance and need. Things change fast as children grow so routines barely had a chance to form before changing again but that was part of what made this work over the years; we all just kept going with the flow.

It is true that we were each single moms at various points over the years and we all had lonely, tough times but now that most of our children are grown and we can look back; I believe we’d all say that we did our best to be there for one another.

Our children grew up around one another not necessarily as best friends, but they are ‘cousins’ of sorts and they know that their mothers are connected in a way that few people allow themselves to connect.

Each of us perform our respective jobs more effectively because we have each other, we are stronger mothers because we have each other, and we have grown as women emotionally and spiritually because we have no doubt about the love and respect we share.

It takes a village to raise a family – It takes a village to be a single Mom.

If you stay married to him, I can’t visit you anymore.

Sound harsh? It sounded like music to my ears.

In fact, I leaned on these words many times for many years because they represented a vital piece of the puzzle of my marriage – someone saw what I saw. The monster I lived with worked hard, every day to make me believe that I was the problem and that all of our friends stuck around because of him.

I was to believe people tolerated me because they loved him.

He mocked me so relentlessly with my own words that it was hard to make the distinction between reality and his fiction.

My instincts told me he was evil and a liar but some of what he said made sense.

It made sense because that little doubting voice in my head tried to tell me that I was not worthy of friendship and love.

The trouble was, I KNEW BETTER.

I had proof of my strength, intellect, worthiness every day but I also had someone working hard to beat that out of me every day too.

Even after my wise friend drew a clear line in the sand, it still took a while for me to get the courage to file for divorce because my husband terrified me.

Once I did, another angel kicked in and I got a call from a Domestic Violence Study group. I explained to them that physical violence wasn’t his shtick very often so they probably didn’t want me in the study.

The nice lady on the phone seemed to know about my situation (but wouldn’t tell me how), she just told me over and over that victims of domestic violence talk about the emotional abuse leaving deeper scars than the physical abuse.

I resisted this information but she kept after me until I accepted the fact that I belonged in the study.

To this day I don’t know who put my name on the study list but I am grateful that they did. For several years I received a call every few months (and then every six, then once a year) to check on the status of the situation and my recovery. I might never have seen my progress as clearly if it had not been for this study.

When my friend made her position clear she gave me the gift of a life line to the truth.

She stated her belief that he was the problem so clearly that I had to make a choice. I may never be able to thank her enough for the gift of seeing into my world but one way I can try is to serve others who are living in an emotionally abusive relationship.

Co-Parenting My Way

For some, the thought of co-parenting with their ex is THE most frightening part of the divorce.

Regardless of the details of the schedule itself, the idea of having to interact with the ex can be overwhelming.

I have good news for you; YOU get to create the co-parenting style that works for you. I’m here to tell you that there are as many styles as there are parents; so take a deep breath, and KNOW that you decide how your family is going to function after divorce.

It is true that most states have ‘standard’ visitation schedules to help complete the divorce process. Yet it is in the execution of the schedule where individual family dynamics takes over and where you have a huge impact on how your life and your kids lives will function. This is also where your connection to your personal values will be critical to creating harmony in your home.

Conventional wisdom says

• you need to learn to get along with your ex.
• you need to communicate effectively and politely with your ex.
• you need to be kind and cooperative with your ex.

I don’t disagree with any of those things unless you are the only one cooperating, communicating, and being polite.

Now, I’m not advocating being uncooperative or impolite but, having been faced with a challenging ex (and his new wife) I realized early on that being an effective co-parent and creating harmony in my home meant I needed to be very clear about what worked for me and I needed to stay true to my values and beliefs. 

My first step was to create mantra’s to help me ‘respond’ vs ‘react’ to challenging situations.

My mantra’s tended to have humorous undertones because humor helps me break tension. For others, sports, food, or art undertones may work. One humorous image that I’m comfortable sharing is one I borrowed from the three little pigs bedtime story. The wolf is outside huffing and puffing but can’t blow the brick house down. I would say to myself “he huffed and he puffed, he huffed and he puffed”.  The image in my head was of the wolf’s desperate face and my family warm and safe inside the brick house. It still brings a smile to my face every time.

Humor and mantra’s helped me a great deal but I have an underlying strength that I was allowing to work against me in the early days of my co-parenting journey. You see; my personal style and values make me far more likely to continue to work to ‘fix’ a situation than to back away. I fix things, professionally and personally, I’m the one people come to when a process is broken, someone gets into a tough spot and needs to talk it out and find a way though, and the one who believes every problem has a solution.

Co-parenting reminded me that that doesn’t always mean ‘fixing’ the broken thing. It often means finding what is most important in the overall situation and focusing on what is most important.

I began to realize that I had a choice about where to focus and where to put my energy. 

I stopped trying to fix the relationship and communication with my ex and began focusing on fixing my reaction to challenging situations.

I also put more energy into focusing on my children and their needs.

Far more impactful to my family dynamic than what my ex said to me or what his wife said to me OR to my girls, was whether or not I noticed my girls needs and what I said to them. 

With a focus on my girls and myself, the door to possibilities for a happy family flew open. I could be me and I could have a lot of fun. The road to recovery started the day I realized that my co-parenting style was mine to decide and that the options were endless.

Think about how many friends you have who are divorced. Now think about the relationship they have with their ex and the way they communicate. Whether it’s effective or not, I’m betting you have at least 10 examples of different family dynamics in your head – maybe as many as 20 examples.  

Families define their own co-parenting style by simply being themselves.

My point here is that when you focus how you want your immediate family to function (independent of your ex) you open the door to your heart and your future. The key is to define your values and your goals for your family.

Next steps – DEFINE – what do you want your immediate family to look like 1 year from now?

Day to day personal interactions, your personal relationship with each child, relationships between siblings, etc. Define your values (the essence of who you are; what matters most to you, what can you not live without, how would your friends describe you?)

Now, with a vision of your family and a list of 15 or so values you have what you need to create your personal roadmap for your co-parenting.