How to pursue Peace in your divorce.
A follow up to ‘The Pursuit of Peace’ blog
Peace is a journey not a destination.
In my original blog on the topic of pursuing peace in the divorce process, I highlighted three benefits to this pursuit:
- Creates a solution mindset – moving away from conflict
- Provides hope and helps you achieve your vision – creating a vision that does not include the conflict & helps create momentum toward peace
- Sets a good example for your children and others around you
Before we go too far down this path on how to pursue peace, I want to state a few things out loud.
Pursuing peace is for you.
It isn’t losing and it isn’t weakness.
It’s a choice and one that gets made again and again during and after a divorce.
How you ask?
How do I pursue peace when my ex is out for blood?
How do I pursue peace when I’m about to lose my house?
How on earth do I pursue peace when my heart is broken?
Let’s start by defining ‘what’ peace is for you.
This first step is one that is often overlooked. In fact, racing past this first step doesn’t just happen during life transitions it is often missed in business and in international relations as well.
Peace isn’t the absence of fighting or immediate danger although that may be a component of the solution. Peace is deeper and the more clearly we define what we’re striving for, the more likely we are to achieve it.
So, back to step 1 – define what peace means to you.
Below are 5 key questions to bring peace to life for you.
What does peace mean to me?
- What do I get when I have peace?
- What is good about having or getting those things? (Yes, this is a distinctly different question from the previous one)
- What does peace look and feel like?
- How will I know when it’s there? How do I know when it’s missing?
As an example, consider one client’s perspective on these questions.
Peace means no raised voices in anger in my home; respect for each person’s opinion and belongings, and taking personal responsibility. What I get when I have peace is a sense of relaxation and I don’t have to worry that things will erupt any moment. My children are also free to be themselves rather than worrying about the possibility of an explosion. What’s good about these things is that I have more physical and emotional energy to focus on other things like my children, my job, and my future. Peace looks like power to me. It feels like I’m in control of my emotions and my daily life. I know peace is there when my heart rate is steady and I breathe deeply. I know it’s missing when I feel distracted, tense, fearful and ‘on guard’.
Step back for a moment and take in these questions.
Put yourself in the mindset of having the peace you seek.
Don’t worry about ‘how’ you’re going to get there, stay focused on what you want, why you want it and what having it gives you.
Remember, this is a journey; you are defining your purpose objectives. ‘How’ you will embark on this journey will be discussed in the next segment.